


Judas

by Cyrelia_J



Series: The Unrivaled Extraverse [6]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Humor, Julian and Garak are extra af, M/M, Mild Language, Minor Violence, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, Pre-Relationship, Sassy, Stalking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-22 02:33:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13754421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyrelia_J/pseuds/Cyrelia_J
Summary: Elim Garak has a strict policy of not dating roommates or friends. That hasn't kept him from hopelessly pining over his roommate Julian and taking every opportunity to interfere in his love life. But when Julian agrees to a date with Skrain Dukat that's absolutely the last straw!Julian Bashir is going through an unfortunate dry spell and Garak's constant nitpicking his dates is getting on his last nerve. Garak might have a lot to say on the matter of Skrain Dukat, but Julian is going and there's not a damn thing he can do about it. He's going to have a good time if it kills him!“So Garak may have been right after all about Dukat’s personality. But so help him if Julian has to blow this miserable windbag under the table right here he is absolutely never giving Garak the satisfaction of knowing it.”Not quite crack but everyone is rather extra. [Modern AU setting aliens are still aliens]





	Judas

**Author's Note:**

> This started from a random tumblr plot bunny where Dukat is a terrible date but Julian keeps going with it out of stubbornness. And then I started writing it and this was the result. The title is frmo the Lady Gaga song that I was looping as this got written. There may even be a sequel I have no idea but C&C is welcome and enjoy. You can also see the AU series notes on the world as well.

When Julian catches sight of one Elim Garak at the other side of the outside restaurant patio hidden behind a faux brick wall and trellis of ivy, he makes sure to grin especially big at his date. At least that’s what Garak hisses to their upstairs neighbor seated across from him. Jadzia Dax is calmly sipping a mimosa not looking nearly as concerned as Garak feels she ought to be. Garak’s roommate, best friend, hopeless crush of the last three years, the infinitely frustrating and equally gorgeous young Julian Bashir is laughing with one Skrain Dukat over breadsticks and cheap red wine of all things. They’re on a _date._   Yes, that’s right, a date. A “pick me up at seven, wear cheap cologne and pants that are far too tight, take me out to dinner, don’t wait up you irrationally jealous lizard” kind of date. A date that Garak had objected to at first mildly, then far more strenuously the closer it came until it seemed Julian was determined to go, dressed to the nines, get laid, get engaged, get married merely out of stubbornness and spite. And now Garak is sitting there wearing the overly large sunglasses, spying on them both wondering how he even let it get to this point...

 

_“There’s no need to wait up. In fact, you might be doing me a favor if you and Parmak start your Columbo night a bit early.” That’s what Julian had said to him as he fussed with himself for the umpteenth time in front of the mirror, Garak practically seething from his seat on the couch._

_“You’re really going through with this?” Garak demanded again as he scrolled down his Twitter feed astonished that he wasn’t yet following Shangela. “You’re actually going on a date with that- and I use the term here quite loosely- man? After everything I’ve told you about him?_

_“You’ve had something snippy to say every time I go out with anyone! Leeta was too bubbly and a_ _Bajoran_ _, the horror! Michael was “shady” whatever that was supposed to mean. Elizabeth was too career minded, Jake too young, Benjamin too old and I might add he was younger than I suspect you are.”_

_“He was Jake’s father and that’s completely disgusting.”_

_“We hit it off, these things happen it was one time!”_

_“Skrain Dukat is an arrogant prig, a self serving overly ambitious toad who thinks far too highly of himself. And he’s frightfully_ _dull_ _,” Garak spoke the last word as if it was the worst sort of sin; it really was as far as he was concerned. Julian rolled his eyes so far back into his head they might have stayed there._

_“He’s also your ex and I know better than to trust a word you say about half the people you’ve introduced me too. Kelas Parmak, a sexual deviant?”_

_“You don’t know him like I do,”Garak sniffed._

_“Oh of course, what was it you’d said... that he was going to ensnare me in an inescapable web of sexual malice? Kelas Parmak? The kind old man you watch Columbo with every Sunday night?”_

_“He and I are the same age!” Garak shrieked aghast-_ _devastated_ _in fact that Julian apparently thought him unforgivably ancient. That still wasn’t going to stop him from gleefully informing Kelas that Julian called him “old”._

_“You both carry yourselves quite different in manner, in bearing, and don’t change the subject on me! My point is that your motives are always suspect and anything you say that has to do with my sex life and friends... and if Parmak is such a deviant, why do you spend your every Sunday night at his place watching “Columbo”?” Julian asked, air quoting the show name. Garak huffed indignantly._

_“I don’t believe I appreciate what you’re implying.”_

_“Oh for God’s sake Garak, the two of you are practically married!”_

_“Married?! To Kelas Parmak? Oh please, my dear, you have no idea what you’re talking about.” The absurdity, Garak thought. Two bottoms in a long term relationship was like trying to play Kotra with nothing but an array of mines._

_“Well whatever thing you and Parmak do or aren’t doing, I don’t care, I have a_ _date_ _, Garak and he’s going to be here any moment so could you_ _please_ _make yourself scarce?” Julian had been unbuttoning and buttoning the same top two buttons of his shirt for the last ten minutes. Garak was still kicking himself for being a good friend and talking him out of the extraneous cologne pointing out that Dukat would also be able to taste it too. ‘Should’ve just let him choke on it.’ Garak sighed and stood up slowly, languidly, affronted to be kicked off his own white leather sofa, bought with his own money and exquisite taste and the thought of that boor sitting on it… Guls, he was going to have to donate it!_

 _“I might also point out, my dear,” Garak huffed deliberately_ _not_ _looking at Julian’s lovely tan skin on display with that thin linen shirt, buttons ultimately left unbuttoned, “that he is_ _not_ _my ex because I have far more sense than to involve myself in any capacity with that monstrous dullard. I met him through Grindr,” he added quickly, getting a handy bottle of “Cardie 20/20”-a delightful human concoction derived from some fruity cheap malt liquor, thickened and sweetened for Cardassian palettes- from the fridge._

_“Grindr?” Julian replied with a raised eyebrow and Garak didn’t think he cared for that judgmental tone._

_“I was young and foolish, much like you. I’m afraid it’s a phase we must all suffer through.”_

_“Garak, Grindr isn’t even ten years old.”_

_“I stand by my comment,” he sniffed, not even bothering with a glass. He didn’t need a glass. He had a straw. He had an elegant pink and red straw that reached all the way down up to the bottom of a 40 oz bottle and twirled elegantly at the top. Julian had given it to him for his birthday._

_“And I stand by my date, Garak, for God’s sake I’m not going to marry the man, it’s been a bit of a dry spell and well... you know.” Julian made a vague wave of his hand as Garak shuffled past headed towards his room._

_“Oh yes, how deeply you must be suffering to have gone two months without a proper bit of the other, is that what you called it? Your life is an endless tragedy and I weep for you.”_

_“You are so extra! You act like a date and a good time is the end of the world.”_

_“I assure you, a good time is hardly what you’re in store for.”_

_“Oh, come on. He’s gorgeous.”_

_“He’s insufferable.”_

_“He’s tall”_

_“He’s ‘small’,” Garak countered holding up his pinky deciding that Julian was just going to have to learn the hard way. He shuddered internally at the words “hard” and Dukat in the same sentence._

_“He’s got a lovely voice.”_

_“You’ll be sick of it within ten minutes.”_

_“He’s got a rather nice backside.”_

_“He wouldn’t bottom if his life depended on it.” Garak scoffed._

_“Well some of us are a bit more flexible you know.”_

_“He’s a minute man,” Garak practically sang as he made his way to his room._

_“Well I’ll be the judge of that, won’t I!?” Julian yelled as Garak slammed the door to drink away his sorrows. Of course he knew why Julian was going for it. If one wanted a Cardassian hook up and was desperate enough to look on Grindr they’d find pitifully few if any….which was how Garak had ended up hooking up with Dukat in the first place._

_He’d wanted to tell Julian that if he was that curious about the Cardassian experience he’d be more than happy to give him the full world tour but then that would completely violate his strict “no sex with roommates” rule and especially his “no sleeping with friends” rule. It would horrendously complicate things and as Kelas was so fond of pointing out he was a man who could ill afford to add any more drama to his life. It was a pity because Julian was young and stunning and a hot mess in yoga pants and his penchant for wearing nothing but those damn pants had given Garak a serious crisis of faith. But Julian’s presence had also nearly wrecked his friendship with Kelas when he had first moved in. Garak had practically thrown Kelas out the door after he’d loaned Julian a book and asked if he’d like to come up for a spot of tea that first week. It had only gotten worse when Kelas found out about Julian’s interest in yoga and offered to instruct him in some of the old Hebetian meditation poses. Garak may have overreacted to that one- Kelas_ _did_ _own a studio in the Village as part of his alternative Ayurvedic/Hebetian medical practice after all- when he threatened to hang him by the rafters by his braid if he so much as_ _smiled_ _at Julian again._

 _In his defense, Garak wasn’t joking when he’d said Kelas was an unrepentant_ _savage_ _little bottom and Julian was not ready for that. People let that little smile, soft spoken voice, those spectacles, that long white hair fool them but Garak had known him since they were in school together. Garak knew, Oh did Garak ever know the truth about Kelas Parmak... But Kelas was also a loyal friend and agreed to back off so that Garak could pine and wine in peace. And whine as well- Kelas swore if Garak spent one more evening on his couch interrupting Peter Falk to complain about Julian he was going to tell him himself how Garak felt. Now_ _that,_ _would be nothing short of traumatizing. Garak was certain if Julian had an interest in him he’d have said something long ago. Julian was hardly subtle about those sorts of things having spent the first month after he’d moved in trying to make time with Garak’s upstairs neighbor Jadzia. Jadzia was a treasure, another true friend, and like Kelas far too much for Julian to handle. She liked a challenge, she confided to Garak, that while Julian was a terribly sweet boy he just couldn’t quite compare to Nerys._

_Well perhaps he wasn’t a challenge for Jadzia but he certainly was a challenge for Garak in every way that mattered and as the bell rang and Julian’s greeting was loud enough to spitefully carry, Garak took a long sip of orange banana bliss and said a prayer to the Ancients that he make it through the night without making a complete fool of himself._

 

Garak sits back a bit further in the both sure that his cover is blown. If Tain- he refuses to call that overbearing old slug “father”- could only see him now he’s sure he’d never hear the end of it about subtlety and subterfuge. _“Please tell me you haven’t fallen so far in your skills, Elim to believe a hat and a pair of sunglasses comprise an adequate disguise.”_ Garak sighs imagining Tain’s running criticism of the entire operation so far. Of course it would have been the proper thing to do to follow as Tain wished and take the initiation into the Order. After all, Tain had said, he hadn’t wasted his seed and his resources on a son who’d rather sew dresses for dregs than take up a proper profession. Well needless to say he only sends holiday greetings to his mother who’s living rather comfortably in a lovely home in Fortaleza- which he’s proud to say that he paid for with his less murderous talents. He’s made a good life for himself as one of the premier fashion designers up and coming on Earth and he’s almost positive any day Project Runway is going to be in touch and won’t his “haters” all feel quite stupid then.

But that’s neither here nor there as he watches Julian lean in and nearly misses their waitress asking for their order. Garak looks up with a smile about to offer apologies when Jadzia cuts in, shooting the waitress- a dark haired Bajoran- a megawatt smile of her own.

“You’ll have to excuse my friend,” she says, shooting Garak a sympathetic look. “His boyfriend is over there and I’m afraid he’s bit broken up about it.” Jadzia’s stage whisper sells it perfectly and Garak swallows down a protest thinking that sounds far less menacing than “nosy roommate jealously spying”. 

“The Cardassian?” the waitress asks in an obvious assumption and Garak is quite proud of himself for not choking on his lava punch when he sucks in a sudden breath. He simply clears his throat, pulling the sunglasses down so he can see her better.

“Oh, my dear, do I really seem so desperate?” he asks and is pleased to note that the waitress- Bajoran name likely Anglicized to “Gina” on the tag- seems a bit relieved herself. He also notes that without the tint of the lenses she’s a bit older than he had originally thought. Her accent is curious as well, more human standard. Ah, so perhaps her name truly is Gina if she’s Earthborn.

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry.” Gina outpours sympathy. “You don’t need that young thing, they’re nothing but trouble,” she offers sagely with a click of her tongue. Garak allows a self deprecating smile and a sigh. 

“Alas,” he says with a bit or dramatic flair, “the heart goes where it will and I am, I fear powerless before it.” He might still be a bit tipsy from earlier and he eyes Jadzia’s drink while she takes another long sip, clearly trying not to laugh.  “Now, might I also have one of those delightful cocktails that my friend here is having. It might help with the sting.” He shoots another surreptitious glance over the wall, seeing Dukat’s head bobbing in a clear long winded tale of some military glory of his, arm waving dramatically. Gina lets him know it’ll be on the house and he practically beams. 

“Poor Garak he just can’t help himself,” Jadzia says offering perfect empathic counterpoint. Garak takes his cue, reaching across the table to clasp her hand warmly, setting his sunglasses on the table.

“Think where’s man’s glory begins and ends and say my glory was a I had such a friend,” he says, quoting Yeats- or rather quoting Kramer quoting Yeats having devoured every episode of “Seinfeld” upon moving to New York City at Kelas’ insistence. Gina looks absolutely misty and that’s when Garak looks up at her with earnest blue eyes, hearing Kelas laugh in his head as if Garak could ever ascribe such a an adjective to him. “Might I ask a favor, my dear, if it’s not too much?” Gina nods, hand to her heart, clearly touched as she agrees to the somewhat odd request that follows. He’ll be sure to tip well. According to Bustle, Cardassians rank amongst the most generous tippers for good service and it pleases him to maintain that point of racial pride. 

Garak smiles beatifically as he orders a chicken pecan salad with extra raspberry vinaigrette. He requests a delay to the dish’s delivery if that’s alright with Jadzia, and of course it is because she’s a terribly nosy woman who wants to watch the fireworks. Garak thinks she’s going to be sorely disappointed because he has every intention of being on his best behavior when he talks to Julian. And he _absolutely_ is going to talk to Julian because he can see Gina talking to the waitress at Julian’s table, the compassionate looks telling him that he’s going to get his chance. He just needs to wait for it and choke down his disgust in the meantime. Easier said than done.

* * *

 

Okay. This is officially the absolute _worst_ date that Julian has ever been on in his life. Julian thinks that even counting that fiasco with Jack at Wildwood when they both almost ended up spending a night in jail because at least _that_ was entertaining and made for a good story. He even still exchanges occasional texts with Jack and follows his Instagram; the polyamorous collective known as the “Jack Pack” is one of the craziest most fascinating accounts he’s ever followed. Now Dukat on the other hand...

“And _that_ , you see is how I ended graduating top of my class at the Academy.” Skrain Dukat sits across from him, the mozzarella stick in his hand surely cold, not a single bite taken of it. Julian has long grown tired of allowing Dukat’s rather impressive looking pecs underneath the stretch polo shirt to distract from his train wreck of a personality. Even the tight shirt can only do so much to make up for its owner’s abysmal character. Alright, the shirt may not have quite outlived its usefulness as Dukat shifts in the chair across from him and the dark green fabric with the little Cardassian Union logo across the left breast moves with it. Right, there’s still a little bit of that there if the man will just be _silent_ and allow Julian to appreciate the muscles, the ridges of that thick strong neck in peace. The dim lighting of the patio at dusk mid summer is especially flattering.

So Garak may have been right after all about Dukat’s personality. But so help him if Julian has to blow this miserable windbag under the table right here he is absolutely _never_ giving Garak the satisfaction of knowing it. Especially once he catches sight of that spying lizard roommate of his across the room wearing a hat right out of “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” and the most ridiculous sunglasses he’s ever seen in his life. _Oh I see how it is, Garak. You just can’t stand the idea that I’m out having fun while you’re still having the worst dry spell ever. A dry spell which, I might add, is completely your own fault because you’re so picky. If you’d even given Odo half a chance instead of running him off like a nitpicking harpy you might be able to stop meddling in my social life._ Julian bites the inside of his cheek and brightens his smile.

“You know, I think that there’s something just so attractive about an ambitious man,” Julian says flicking a _look_ to Garak not even sure that Garak can see his expression. He doesn’t care.

Dukat preens and Julian lets his mind drift to what might be under the shirt as he pops another fried mushroom in his mouth.

“You really should try one of these. They’re quite good,” Julian offers, holding one out for Dukat to taste. Dukat chuckles that condescending little staccato sound and at first Julian hadn’t taken it for mockery but after the third time when it followed Julian’s excited gush of how he got into veterinary medicine, he realized that no, it was a patronizing affect reserved for a child or some vapid rent boy. He’s kind of grown to hate that sound in the last hour since Dukat picked him up in what Garak would refer to as a “mid life crisis on wheels”. Dukat had doubled parked the fire engine red Porsche convertible causing an awful near incident that Julian spent a good ten minutes playing peacemaker on.

“Well aren’t you such a gregarious little scamp,” Dukat says with a purr that’s likely meant to be flirting and Julian merely does a damn good impersonation of Garak when his father calls, keeping a smile plastered onto his face like a shield. 

“Might I... feed it to you?” Julian asks, eyes shooting another glance over at Garak. He nearly sticks out his tongue in Garak’s direction when Dukat leans forward obligingly.

Julian had already said quite clearly- aside from it being on his profile as well after one misread ping too many- that he might be young but he was _not_ looking for a daddy which naturally Dukat acknowledged then promptly ignored and if it wasn’t for Garak he’d have bailed on this nonsense a long time ago. Dukat’s mouth is wet around his fingers and he absolutely hates the little bit of warmth that fissures through him at that. Garak isn’t the only one going through a dry spell and Julian is mortified that he’s _this_ hard up. Well, he supposes it makes it easier to ignore the condescending talk about what a sweet boy he is. Of course he hadn’t really responded to the invite with any intention of an actual _date_ \- he supposed they might hook up at a hotel or either of their apartments- but Garak informed him quite plainly that it was absolutely expected even amongst paid transactions because the conversation was the cornerstone of Cardassian courtship. Julian really thought Garak was kidding until he received the follow up message with an actual restaurant listed.

Garak had also pointed out that Dukat was a strange creature and a poor excuse for a Cardassian, preferring a simpering hole to an intelligent conversationalist who would actually challenge him. Julian had no earthly idea what appeal Garak saw in heated debates- the Cardassian season of The Bachelor might have been one of the most highly rated, but Julian doubted it was for the same reasons as Garak seemed to think. He supposes there are worse things than a lack of “lively conversation” like say Dukat offering to show him a “Cardassian greeting” that Julian knows full well could double for a kiss, but he gamely goes along, practically hearing Garak’s teeth gritting as he does. _Serves you right, you irrationally jealous lizard._

“Am I doing that right?” Julian asks watching Dukat’s grin grow and he isn’t quite sure if that expression makes him want to punch the man or shiver in his seat.

“Oh yes, in fact I’m looking forward to the things I might teach you, Julian.” Dukat’s eyes are rather pleasantly on Julian’s neck, his collarbone and at least Julian is sure that he likes what he sees.

 _This is pathetic, you know,_ a little voice cheerfully informs him. It sounds an awful lot like Garak. He tells it to be quiet and boldly allows their fingers to interlock. Julian’s fingers are long, slim, and he sees that Dukat’s palm dwarfs his a bit. His grip is strong and even that flirtatious gesture is treated as some grand show of dominance that nearly makes Julian sigh and bang his forehead on the table. At least the mushrooms are good. At least the bread is good. At least Dukat has nice teeth.

“You know, I might teach you a thing or two as well.” Julian tilts his head inviting, again, half looking over to Garak. There comes that stupid chuckle again and of course, what is the stupid little doctor going to teach the mighty military man?

“I’m sure you will,” Dukat agrees patronizing and Julian really has half a mind to dump the rest of the basket of fried mushrooms over on his head and leave him with the check.

He’s saved by their waitress: a lovely Bajoran woman named Mardah who he’s learned is studying to be an entomologist. Naturally that revelation let to Dukat commenting on it upon her leaving the first time. Julian smiles at her finding her expression to be a bit less gregarious than when she’d first introduced herself. God, he hopes she hadn’t actually heard all that nonsense about Bajorans knowing their place that Dukat was blathering on about until Julian could finally get him to change the subject.

“More wine, sir?” she asks Dukat shooting Julian an almost strangely frosty look. Alright, perhaps he shouldn’t have stupidly laughed along trying to play off such offensive comments but-

“By the Ancients, you clumsy woman, look what you’ve done!” Dukat is standing up like someone just spilled hot coffee and not a little red wine. Julian would laugh if he wasn’t concerned that it might cause Dukat to yell at her further.

“It will be fine,” Julian interjects quickly, shooting an apologetic little smile at Mardah as he circles around the table, putting a hand on Dukat’s shoulder. “You can clean it off just fine with a little club soda in the bathroom. Might we have a glass?” Julian asks hopefully, giving Dukat’s shoulder a squeeze, hand absently moving up a little, feeling the strong ridges going from his trapezius to his neck. _My, that feels nice. Why does such a lovely body have to be attached to such an offensive creature?_ Mardah doesn’t look particularly upset by any of it. Julian has spent enough time around Garak’s faux astonished remorse to know the difference. He has such a bad feeling about this as she instead leads Dukat off promising to get it taken care of herself. Julian sits back down turning it over in his head a moment.

 _And that would be why. Look at that, Julian, you must be psychic._ He sees Garak magically appear from the other side of the wall having abandoned that ridiculous disguise and Julian thinks that at least he’s changed out of his purple satin loungewear in exchange for something that’s wow… incredibly flattering. Garak has definitely taken advantage of the sweltering Manhattan summer. He’s wearing actual short sleeves- the wine colored cotton shirt layered with a smart brown vest, an extraneous amount of necklaces tangled over his chest, and Julian has a completely scandalous view of his _chula_ highlighted blue seated nicely in the center of all that. He’s coupled that with a pair of dark grey slacks that are clinging just a bit to his thighs and Julian realizes that he’s still quite thirsty as he watches him sit down. He forgets a moment that’s he’s quite angry with him, forgets why Garak is likely there as he takes a long drink of wine, remembering just how maddeningly attractive Garak is when he’s not being an insufferable pain in the ass.

“I hope you’ll forgive my intrusion, Julian,” Garak says taking Dukat’s seat, and helping himself to a mozzarella stick. “But I happened to be passing by- you know it was such a nice evening for a stroll outside I thought Jadzia might enjoy a walk and imagine my surprise when I saw you here looking in dire need of a rescue. I haven’t arrived too late have I?” Garak asks all innocence and Julian can already feel himself getting angry at the blatant lie.

“No,” Julian answers blandly. “You seem to have arrived just at the right time.”

“How convenient!” Garak exclaims and Julian can feel a pressure starting to build behind his eyes. “I would say this is nothing short of a prophetic happenstance.to quote Kelas who I’m afraid has caught one of those insidious summer colds. Did something happen to Dukat? Called away on urgent business perhaps? It’s an unfortunate hazard of dating such a _valuable_ member of the Cardassian military, I’m afraid.”

“Garak,” Julian begins testily in the face of an aplomb that’s offensively attractive. “Did you arrange this?”

“Arrange what, my dear?” he asks all butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth and the completely unrepentant _nerve_ is just too much.

“You know damn well, “What”, Garak,” Julian hisses, looking over to make sure that Dukat isn’t returning yet from inside. 

“I certainly can’t be held responsible for every unfortunate malady that befalls that cretin. That, as they say is a matter of karma.” Garak takes a sip of wine from Julian’s glass making a face. “Karma for this poor vintage, I’d wager.” Julian is tempted to stuff a piece of bread in Garak’s mouth.

“Garak. I’m on a date. I’m not leaving my date. I don’t care if you’re bored, jealous, molting, or whatever your problem is right now-”

“Molting!” Garak says aghast looking far more offended than he has any right to be. “I should thank you not to make such scurrilous and personal speculations where someone might hear you!”

“And I should thank _you_ to make yourself scarce before Skrain gets back and thinks that I am in any way in on this nonsense,” Julian says careful to keep his voice down- Garak hardly having made any effort to do the same. Fine, it’s a bad date, Dukat is an offensive blowhard, but Julian is sick and tired of Garak’s meddling, well-meaning or not and if this is the small, scaly hill he has to die on, so be it.

“Yes, how thoughtless of me to interrupt such a magical evening.” 

“I’m not doing this here with you now. I’m on a date. I’m having a _marvelous_ time with an incredibly attractive _god_ of a man and I have every intention of going home with him and seeing that our evening has a _proper_ ending.” Julian really wishes that Garak angry wasn’t so damn attractive, that he wasn’t all too aware of that magical ass and those thighs which would surely feel like heaven around his waist. But those were dangerous thoughts that he didn’t allow because Garak was quite clear quite… Julian nearly swallows, _firm_ on the matter and Julian is determined to respect those boundaries if it kills him.

The lie feels thick on his tongue and a part of him actually considers just up and leaving with Garak but he’s too far into this to turn back now. Garak would never let him hear the end of it. Garak would surely think that he could dictate Julian’s every move and god how insufferably smug he’d be then.

“You’re a terrible liar,” Garak says with a click of his tongue.

“You don’t believe me?” Julian says rising to that challenge.

“I don’t believe you’d be so foolish as to allow this petty argument to cloud your judgement so poorly,”

“So now I’m stupid?!”

“I said nothing of the sort,” Garak says in that “You said it not me” tone and that does it, Julian’s going to ride Dukat until his eyes roll back into his head and text him the pictures.

“I’m asking you to leave, Garak,” Julian says flatly though inside he’s half panicked at the scene this is going to cause if Garak doesn’t leave right now.  

“You cannot _possibly_ mean that.” Julian is starting to get far more anxious and he thinks quickly, back to Garak’s horror at his declaration that his sour mood might be caused by that periodic shedding of scales. It’s perhaps a tad sadistic, but one doesn’t live with Elim Garak for nearly 2 years without picking up a few things.

“If you don’t make yourself scarce and go back to your table where I’m sure Jadzia is waiting for you like a _saint_ , I’m going to tell everyone here that they should be extra kind to you today because you’re going through a molt.”

“You wouldn’t dare!” Garak hiss whispers with a suck in of air between his teeth and Julian can’t help but feel triumphant at that victory.

“Try me,” he says that moment of victory quickly fading when he realizes he’s just rather neatly sealed his own fate in spending the rest of the evening with Dukat. Well, Julian supposes as he watches Garak slink back behind the wall indignantly, misery loves company.

* * *

 

“Honey, I know you love the guy, but I gotta tell you, you can do so much better than him.” Gina has brought the two of them extra bread and the carbs are going straight to his thighs but Garak sighs and generously butters the hot bread regardless. A small part of him is at least a little proud that Julian would stoop to such a low threat. He’s learned a little at least.

“Yeah, that was hard to watch,” Jadzia agrees, though only the two of them know what it is she’s referring to. “You know how stubborn Julian is when he thinks he’s right.” Her words are deliberately obscure but Garak knows what she means and he doesn’t know if it’s worth torturing himself like this. Granted, there’s a moment when Dukat returns to the table and Julian has a face like he just swallowed a bug but then he’s right back to hard up twink all smiles and overly whitened teeth, making sure to sneak those glances over to Garak’s table so Garak can see it.

“He’s not that cute,” another waitress introduces herself as Mardah and steps over for a moment to agree. Garak recognizes her as Julian’s waitress. “And that guy he’s with is a total ass. You know he actually tried to hit on me when I was helping clean off his shirt. Total sleazebag.” She shakes her head as the lot of them look over to Julian table. Garak holds back a laugh as it’s clear that Julian can see the lot of them for a moment, looking like a panicked animal before seeming to screw some courage up to redouble his efforts. 

Garak supposes he’ll have to give it to him for persistence if not taste. He looks at both waitresses and makes sure to place two fifty dollar bills between the napkin holder.

“You fine ladies both have my apologies for dragging the two of you into our mess like that and I fear that “sleazebag” may not tip as a result of all this.” 

“Oh honey, you don’t have to do that,” Gina protests.

“I insist,” he answers solemnly, “And I would never forgive myself if your attention to me were to adversely affect the rest of your tables. I cannot possibly thank you enough for your assistance. Perhaps another one of these delightful drinks and we’ll be set.

He politely declines their insistence that he needs far more than just bread and liquor but Garak’s pretty sure he’s survived weeks on those very things in the past. Jadzia’s eyes are dancing with amusement but there is a hint of concern as well as she looks over to Julian leaning across the table, flirtatiously. 

“You know Julian, Garak. He’ll probably just dig himself in deeper _because_ we’re sitting here.” She’s right of course. It sticks miserably, but if there’s one sure fire way to ensure that Julian is seated in Dukat’s lap by the end of the evening it’s to continue sitting here seething about it.

“I’m afraid, we may very well have crossed that threshold,” he replies buttering the hot bread until he’s sure it’s half butter half bread.

He nearly chokes on it when he looks again, seeing Julian’s foot wiggled out of his loafer, teasing its way up Dukat’s leg. Julian only has two pairs of date shoes. He wears the knee high “screw me” boots when he doesn’t anticipate needing to undress beyond yanking his trousers down past his hips. He wears the loafers for a fast kick off disrobing when he thinks he may need to get completely naked. He’s also wearing his tan chinos- the slut. Garak swallows hard, watching that foot tease at the inside of Dukat’s thigh. He isn’t sure if he ought to be grateful or not that Julian’s attention is no longer on him as the two of them hold hands and Dukat nearly spills his soup. Garak hopes he _does_ spill it hot all over his lap. He hopes that his dick is fully everted already and he hopes that it _burns_. 

“C’mon, Garak. We can let Julian figure it out for himself, can’t we? He’s a big boy. He’ll learn.”

“Is that before or after Dukat shoves the full four inches down his throat?” Garak mutters darkly. Jadzia looks at him.

“I don’t think four inches would reach that far,” she says with a long sip of her drink and Garak blinks a moment before that sour mood is broken with a laugh that surprises even him. It had to be the mimosa... the second one anyway. 

“It doesn’t, you have my word on that,” he adds and Jadzia’s laugh breaks out suddenly too, drink almost spilling. He realizes that he’s starting to feel pleasantly warm again and looking over to Julian’s foot- Ha! Skrain Dukat everting from a foot of all things!- between Dukat’s legs seeing Dukat so obviously affected actually amuses him. 

Amusement however doesn’t seem to be the reaction that Julian was going for as he glares at Garak and seems about to say something when Dukat takes hold of his hand suddenly, half yanking him out of the booth. 

“Exactly as I said, my dear!” Garak crows, taking another drink turning back to Jadzia. “He gets excited, you see, terribly excited he says and he can’t help himself and you didn’t hear it from me, but any moment he’s going to tug Julian out of here because he can’t help himself. Possibly to the men’s room, ah, Central Command would be so proud.”

“And here I thought you were exaggerating!”

“Me? Exaggerate?! Never!” Garak exclaims, another drink giving him the most brilliant idea as he realizes that Julian and Dukat actually _have_ left, a wad of some bills on the table, food left unfinished. He certainly hopes the cleaning help is well compensated.

“But I did have... the most stunning idea,” Garak says, wondering why his coordination seems to be slipping as he stands. “I guarantee you he’s parked in that garage a block over and I could spot that garish car of his a mile away... I say we leave him a little present.” Yes, a dick... a giant dick keyed right into the hood so then he might know what it’s like to have a big one. The grin is still big on Garak’s face as he informs Gina quite pleasantly that he and his friend will be heading out a bit early on some important business. He swears he’s every intention of hailing a cab, Garak hasn’t held a license a day in his life anyway, as she fusses and Jadzia is already doing some research on the garage security from her phone. Ah, he really does have some fantastic friends, he thinks as he has his salad sent by delivery later and quickly hurries out with Jadzia to see to his most important business.

* * *

 

Julian really had been surprised that his little extra bit of teasing had gotten Dukat so “inflamed” as he said but he almost considers it fortunate that it will merely hurry things along. He’s already deleted the damn Grindr app off his phone swearing he’s just going to let Jack finally set him up with one of the “fun boys” he knows to get what’s likely going to be an awful metaphorical taste out of his mouth. As for the actual taste, thankfully Garak was in fact lying about Dukat’s breath. Either that or the wine had dulled whatever property Garak found so unappealing. In any case, when Dukat had stood up, practically dragging Julian with him, mouth to his ear, he didn’t detect much of anything beyond wine and marinara. Even when Dukat crammed his tongue in his mouth somewhat unexpectedly on the walk to the garage, the taste, the texture in and of themselves were hardly unpleasant.

Actually, Julian had to admit as Dukat stops their somewhat handsy walk to the car, he’s a rather competent kisser and Julian finds himself thinking far less about Garak with the latest stop. Some fellow with a hi-top fade out of nineteen ninety whistles as Julian’s arms go around Dukat rather enthusiastically and he shoots the man a thumbs up because really, what else does one do in that situation? He’s pleasantly surprised to feel that nice muscular chest pushing against his and he can feel the beginning of Dukat’s eversion, Garak’s voice in his head sassy as ever when it speculates that very well may be all there is. Well, he’ll cross that bridge when he gets to it.

That’s assuming they get to it, that is, Julian really starting to think this might not even make it to the car. They stop and start a few more times, each time, Dukat grinding against him harder, mouth on his neck, teeth making Julian flush hot, hoping he doesn’t embarrass himself at this rate. But at least now he can actually _see_ the car and they’re off the street and the concrete isn’t the most comfortable thing but-

“Here... I can’t wait... here, come one you know you want it...” Dukat’s voice is rough, thick, and it might be a bit of a turn on. Julian licks his lips actually thinking about it a moment before realizing with horror that he’s turning into one of _those_ boys...

“Well yes I... er... you don’t think that...”

“Guls you human whores...” follows that which makes Julian blink as Dukat is fumbling for his wallet.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” Julian asks mortified as Dukat gets the wallet open, showing an inordinate amount of twenties that he starts to thumb through. Julian is staring almost hypnotized at the motion.

“How much for here? A hundred? two hundred?”

“Nothing! I’m a doctor not a prostitute!” Julian yells at him shoving him away hard. “I am a _doctor!_ I’m not a whore, I’m not your _boy_ , and I don’t care if Garak has “I was right” carved on my tombstone, I wouldn’t sleep with you for all the money on Earth and I’m going home!” Dukat is merely blinking almost stupidly as if he cannot believe that he’s somehow misread the entire situation and it would be almost comical if... If Dukat wasn’t bellowing and clutching at his eyes and Garak wasn’t standing there with... mace? pepper spray? _No, not pepper spray that’s definitely mint..._

“Garak! Tell me you did _not_ just spray a man in the eyes with Binaca!”

“Well if that’s the thanks I get for saving you from a vicious assault from a man who looked positively _crazed..._ ” Garak trails off staring at the bottle as if he can’t believe it himself. “Imagine all that training... knowing so many ways to end a man, and here’s where you find yourself, Elim...” he hears Garak mumbling as he turns the bottle over in his hand and Julian grabs his hand half dragging him out of these before Dukat decides to call the police. Assuming they haven’t already been called with the security except... except Jadzia is also missing, and as Julian drags the both of them into a stairwell away from that mess he’s sure she’s taken care of that. She swore to him once that a previous host was an expert safecracker and it seemed that penchant for system breaking was kept well alive.

Julian continues peeking through the window of the door, making sure they’re not being followed. He doesn’t really imagine they are. Julian’s never had the misfortune of having breath freshener sprayed in his eyes but he doesn’t think it lends itself to angry pursuits. There’s an awkward silence, Garak standing oddly silent behind him and he’s not actually quite sure how he feels now that the adrenaline has died down. Garak licks his lips and Julian looks at him thinking he really is quite fetching.

“So tell me, Julian, had he given you his inspiring treatise on the natural inferiority of the Bajoran people yet? Regaled you with his dashing tales of heroism at the Academy? Awed you with his stories of masculine virility?” 

Julian tries not to smile at that and fails. 

“I don’t think we got quite that far.” He says honestly, and he sort of really wants to kiss Garak. But he also sort of wants to wring his neck and he also doesn’t think Garak would appreciate kissing Dukat by proxy. Garak is also somewhat inebriated even if not perhaps outright wasted. Julian sighs, still fixated on Garak’s mouth, eyes moving around the stairwell, the space feeling more humid than it had a moment ago, the air a bit more stagnant. There’s another silence that falls between them almost expectantly.

“Garak, what were you planning on doing down here?” He asks, suddenly curious. He really ought to know better.

“You’re welcome,” Garak replies with a little grin and God does Julian ever want to kiss him.

“That’s not an answer.”

“It most certainly is an answer. It’s just not the answer that you wanted.” Yeah, kissing Garak is still tempting. Crap. Maybe later. Maybe they’ll talk, maybe he’ll wake up and realize he’s dreamt the whole damn thing. Julian is really unable keep his eyes from that lovely collarbone. There’s no way this is going to end well. He takes takes Garak’s hand.

“I’m not admitting you were right,” He grumbles carefully opening the door looking around. “Shall we go home then?” Julian asks surprisingly breathless. Garak gives his hand a squeeze before letting go, practically sauntering past him with a little spring in his step.

“Why Julian, I thought you’d never ask.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Don't hate me, I left the ending a bit ambiguous in case I end up writing the other weird offshoot where Parmak and Garak weirdly declare open season on Julian and vie for his affections. I have no idea what's wrong with me.
> 
> Addendum: Well, it looks like not so much a rivalry but something else entirely that's more poly haha. I completely blame Parmak


End file.
